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19 April 2006 @ 06:37 pm
b: 1/2 bagel [100 kcal] + lite cream cheese [20 kcal], coffee

l: 1 cup cream of broccoli soup [90 kcal], diet coke w/ lime

d: 1 cup veggie soup, small salad [lettuce & tomato], 1/2 cup corn

total: 500 calories.
19 April 2006 @ 09:23 am
will have a small something for breakfast to jump-start my metabolism for the day. but what?

bagels= 200 calories, muffins = 200, scones = 150, yogurt = 70, cereal & milk = 220... deciscions decisions...

also, we have dinner tonight, so i shall have to be careful about making my food look bigger than it is.
17 April 2006 @ 09:26 pm
112 pounds. bmi 18.6. less than 18.5 is below "normal". i don't want to be "normal". health class today calculated desired body weights using different methods to find body fat percentage. my body fat ranged between 15 and 24%. some are incorrect, though. minimum required body fat for females is 9-12%. i want to be nine. 3% is the minimum for males. i wish i were a guy.

my 'should-be' body weight ranged from 106-122. i will be 106. 3 weeks from now. 106.
06 April 2006 @ 02:10 pm
i got down to 110 on spring break [finally!] and i was 112 on Sunday, but right now i'm probably 115 'cause i ate this huge bowl of mac & cheese [sick] right before bed and i woke up and my stomach was swollen up like a balloon and i had regained completely that nasty chin/neck-fat that i'd lost and had had a beautiful boned jawline. i have no self-control. it's like my body wants to continue to be a great jiggling mass of putrescence.

i walked into my room and saw my roommate, her tiny body sunken in to the mattress of her bed, hipbone jutting beautifully between pants and shirt, her gracefully delicate, tiny wrist moving to turn pages of a book. she never leaves the room; she never eats. maybe i should become antisocial and never have to have meals with people.

i told my boyfriend that i was upset about gaining weight. i'd been losing since i stopped eating meat. and now i'm back up again because of one single binge. he didn't seem to care or know what to think. i sometimes wish i were a guy so i could just eat normally and not have to worry about getting huge.

honestly, every calorie i put into my body shows up on my flesh immediately. it's sickening. it's not like food enters stomach, gets digested, and then adds to the size of my thighs. i eat one potato chip and suddenly my ribs are no longer visible. why does this happen?

i'm not eating until at least tomorrow at dinnertime. i'm going on a group trip over the weekend; i don't know how i'll avoid eating there. i'll just watch the other girls. they're all so tiny. each one of them weighs exactly 103 pounds. i'll sit at their table during meals. maybe if i pretend to be thin like them, it will happen to me too.
15 February 2006 @ 08:58 am
fat girls don't get flowers for valentine's day.
22 January 2006 @ 12:06 am
i ate like 1500 calories today and yesterday. stupid friends forcing food down my throat. i can't stand them sometimes

especially one today who was complaining that her shirt made her look too skinny. she kept crying, 'look at me! i'm emaaaaaaaaaciated'. oh, shut the fuck up. she weighs 103 pounds. every girl i know weighs 103 pounds. except me, the fat sow. i fucking hate myself. i fucking want to weight 103 pounds. i fucking will.
Current Mood: angryangry
19 January 2006 @ 11:26 pm
today i had a donut hole and a sugar-free vanilla frozen latte. never had one before; now i know why mk is obsessed! delicious, 100 calories; what could be better? total 156 calories. burned off 200 in gym class today. yesssssss. go me. even when bf was consuming greasy food in front of me, i sipped my water and denied my hunger. my stomach's been growling all day, but it's been worth it.

i can't wait to wake up and see my ribs. they look best in the morning. even bf can tell the difference; we were making out today and he kept squeezing my hipbones and running his fingers along my ribs. i'm glad he likes it. that gives me more reason to be strong.

another reason i thought of to lose more is that i'll be able to rock-climb decently. i was always so bad at it; it's incredibly hard to pull yourself up a rock face when you're carrying several dozen pounds of lard with you. a friend of mine is new thinspiration to me. she's a rock-climber, 103 pounds, tiny but very toned muscularly. i want to look like her.
18 January 2006 @ 10:47 pm
i only had 526 calories today, but i feel like i've digested a whale.
18 January 2006 @ 12:04 am
the more i feel my ribs, the more times i hear my boyfriend saying i'm 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous'.
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
16 January 2006 @ 12:41 am
v. tired. long weekend of partying [and celebrating my willingness to not eat]. i've gained self control again. it's beautiful. 117 lbs feels so very very good. and i get to go back to school tomorrow and not have to sit down for family meals, and tomorrow my boyfriend will be able to slide his arms around my somewhat-smaller waist and i can press up against him and hold him without feeling like i'm beaching my whale-ish gut upon him. it's only 3 pounds thus far, but it's a start.

at meals i take 4 small bites, set my fork down, take a sip of water, repeat. the water fills me up. the process slows me down. when everyone else is finished gobbling everything down like dogs, i realise the meal is over and only one-third of my plate has been cleared. i take the same amount of time as the rest of the people at the table, so they see me as being filled like they are. but i'm filled not with food, but with satisfaction at my own self-control.

let's see how long this lasts. also,

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